Mar 182010

Alert your labmates
if your prep will require all
the lab’s baffled flasks.

Refill or reorder
reagents before you empty
the goddamn bottle.

Touching toxins, gloves
go on. Touching telephones,
take those nasty things off.

Ceiling tiles collapse.
Leaky roof, heavy rainstorm:
farewell, sweet laptop.

Analog  balances
only help if the pans are
level when empty.

Also, you shouldn’t
assume that all tube holders
possess the same mass.

Yes that is why the
ultracentrifuge had an
imbalance error.

Your office is next
to the damn thing, you can do
whatever you want.

Just don’t come crying
when the rotor flies out and
caves in your ribcage.

Do not put ether
or chloroform into the
sink, motherfucker!

What’s your damn problem?
Discard organic solvents
to organic waste!

Who the hell is your
lab’s safety officer? I’m
going to end him.

Jan 232009
It’s time once again to remind your labmates how to behave, seventeen syllables at a time.

Dust and detritus of past ages brushed away — leave balances clean!

Microbe-encrusted, reeking of death: your uncleaned centrifuge bottles.

If it cannot touch your skin, it must not touch my keyboard. Remove gloves!

Banshee scream boiling precious samples — don’t mess with the sonicator!

Chemicals, hazards, trailing you in the hallways… Lab coats stay in labs.

Although you’re wearing headphones, we can all still hear you singing along.

Unlabeled buffers may sometimes be used to make your morning coffee.

Washing glassware may not be your job, but please rinse that salty crust off!

The bear seeks a lost cub — I find my pipetman on your filthy bench.

Vapor will corrode them — store pipetmen upright, with tips ejected.

It takes five minutes to make destain — replenish the carboy when low.

Hiding that ruined column will not magically make it fix itself.

Nov 262007

In the bastardized American format…

Agar will gel up,
vile gray sink-lake develops.
Next time, use trashcan.

Technically, they’re not
my Pipetmen either — that
does not make them yours.

Reducing agents,
like open sewers in lab —
put the cap back on.

Autoclaves melt agar;
now your waste is everywhere.
Remember, use trays!

It’s called a Bunsen
burner for a reason — don’t
leave unattended.

Foetid, abhorrent,
vile… your unbleached media,
or eldritch horror?

Seriously, man,
clean centrifuge after use;
it smells like a morgue.

Needles go in “Sharps
container”, not underneath
the paper towels.

Floor grabs onto shoes;
try cleaning up spills as soon
as they happen, please.

Crystals belong in
screening trays, not pumps — wash with
water every time.

No, seriously,
I meant that about needles:
dispose properly.

Beware: grad students
will eat anything left out
in your lab’s breakroom.

Water bottles and
computers — two great things that
ought not be combined.

This ain’t no disco,
You ain’t no DJ. This ain’t
no foolin’ around.

So I was a little bored today.